It's 2:25 a.m. & I find myself unable to calm all the things in my head enough to fall asleep. It the last month it has somehow felt as if the world around me - my safe haven is coming apart at the seams. How does a person keep standing tall when everything around them is crumbling??
Let me start from the beginging...
July 2009 my Grannie's brother passed away from cancer. Leaving her pretty much alone in the area of Oklahoma which she lives. After talking in depth with my brother (all the close family she still has is 1 sister & 2 grandkids -> my brother & I) we come to the agreement that Grannie is going to have to move. She'll be 80 in Feb. & someday in the near future is going to need some assistance and being 4-7 hours away is too far. Finally after much talking it is decided the best place for her to move is to Stillwater to be near me since it's easier for me to take care of her. The ball is set in motion with us putting in an application at a local 62+ low income housing apartment complex.....Now We Wait.....
Late Oct. 2009 some of our worst fears are confirmed as we find out J.D.s Grandmother is diagnosed with early stages of dementia. Of course we stand up ready & willing to fight this battle to the fullest. We set a path with medication mishaps, lost belongings, and memories fading as the first few stops. J.D. decides it's time for him to control the medication since it's not going to help if it isn't taken correctly. He makes plans to visit nightly to dose out her meds & fill her pill box for the following morning & fix her dry erase board on her fridge so she can do check marks as she takes each of the items in it. First thing every morning he gives her a wake up call and reminds her to take her medication - while he's on the phone.
All of this maybe making it sound as if things are very bad, I want to let you know as of right now it's not. She is just forgetting short term things who has come to visit, fed or not fed the animals(sometimes feeding more then once I'm sure), taking or not taking her meds - things of this nature. Sometimes things such as repeating the same things over many times in one conversation.
She now does many things with us such as grocery shop & spend time eating together & watching movies. We find ourselves wanting to capture every great memory and put it in a bottle on a shelf to give back to her later, but we wont be able to return them.
Nov. 2009 - We get the call!! Grannies apartment is going to be ready Dec. 1st!!! Yay!!! ....But....she has to give 30 days notice where she is and being half way through the month already that puts us mid December. Though if she moves into the new apartment she'll have to pay rent both where she is & where she's going.
Her current rent is $150 her new rent is $400. Being on a set income this is made impossible for her to do so we check into housing assistance for her & discover "Section 8". We get her application in to be told there are over 800 families ahead of her & it will be at least 14-16 months before her name makes it to the top. J.D. & I quickly go over our finances & decided we'll have take care of the extra $250. We set a plan of moving in Jan 1st. Of course that's when the new landlord tells us that shes going to have to rent out this apartment before then because it is actually going to be ready Dec. 1st & can't stay empty that long - so she moves on to the next person on the list, but tells me that she has another one that should be ready right when we need it - speaking of which I need to call & check on that! Then of course we have moving expenses such as gas, U-Haul, food, turning on utilities, apartment deposit, cleaning supplies for old house, possible motel, and I'm sure there is something else that I've forgotten. Luckily my bro is going to try to help some with those things.
So our planned move out date for her is Dec. 24th, 25th, & 26th. For my kids sake this makes me sad because they'll somewhat miss Christmas or at least Christmas day. Of course with everything else this year Christmas money is a little short anyways so there aren't going to be as many items under the tree as I'd like (well, there may be, but they wont be the things I really want to get). Dylan at school made a chain of rings to cut apart counting down the days to Christmas - I found myself wanting so bad to add a few rings so he wouldn't know that we wont be here when Santa arrives. At the same time though the gifts aren't what Christmas is about & I don't want to loose sight of that during all of this.
Dec. 7th - J.D.s uncle Lyle calls (keep in mind through all of this back a few months ago Lyle was diagnosed with cancer & is undergoing chemo at the moment) to let us know J.D.'s Dad has had a small stroke & has a large blood clot in his neck putting him at even greater risk for a major stroke. With all of this he is almost out of firewood right before the coldest night so far this winter.
So yesterday J.D. took off work to go find trees to cut down for some wood to get him to the weekend. After arriving out the he learns there is a place that has some wood they can have - it just needs to be hauled to his house. Two hours of hauling and he has firewood!!! (for now)
Last night(Dec. 8th) - my Mom calls to tell me they are heading to urgent care because she's having chest pain. (side note, things are supposed to come in 3's - if you've been counting this is #4) I start praying right away for this to be nothing, but am scared out of my mind at the same time. I mean this is my Mom we are talking about!
A while later they let us know that her EKG showed a little something so they are being moved over to the ER. I sit by the phone until a little after 11 p.m. when Mom calls to let me know they are keeping her over night just to be on the safe side & to do a few more tests. As of the last time I spoke to her at 8 a.m. they were still waiting to hear something.
So as you can see things are very busy around here.
At some point a person begins to wonder how much stress they can take. I'm physically, emotionally, & financially drained. Everything I do is lacking in it's completion. Starting with my involvement it Dylan's schooling all the way to my house just being flat out dirty. Laundry piles up because I don't have the energy to move the load in the washer to the dryer. We go back to newly wed meals(mac n cheese, ramen, corn dogs..etc)from lack of funds as well as lack of energy to actually cook(or the thought of cleaning up afterwards). I'm behind on daycare activities - but have to be caught up by our Christmas party. Sometimes I wish for a vacation, but know it's just a band-aid and at some point I have to come back to reality. As I sit here J.D. & I have just made the decision to keep Dylan home from school today, not because he's ill but because neither of us had the energy to search for clean clothes or pack him a lunch(school lunches are a whole other issue that I will not dive into at the moment). Although I know that is very pathetic thats just the way today will be in hopes that tomorrow is better!
I know that things are rough, but I also know they'll get better. I've been asked if I'm depressed, and the answer is no, I'm not...I'm just worn out. I love my life & truly would do nothing to change it. Through everything I'm trying not to complain but every now & then I have to, or seem too, but it's more of just needing to vent.
So to the title of my post - I Do Believe!! I believe things will get better, I fear they will get worse before getting better, but I know they WILL get better! For this reason I have decided to make today count!! I will start trying to catch up laundry, I will sing, dance & play with all 6 little people here with me! We will rejoice in the day & be glad!
I thank each of you reading this for letting me vent & hope God will bless you all today in whatever you are doing!!
Ryan discovered the "Santa" Mr. Potato pieces fit him too!
Ryan: "Yum, what is it?" 
Ryan: "Brownies?!?!" 
The best part of Christmas is the empty wrapping paper tubes....
Ok, this one you will only get if you've seen "The Polar Express" - Dylan & Ryan's favorite movie - Ryan was acting out the scene with the "ghost" on top of the train pretending to be Santa...
Dylan did most of his J.D. did have to cut out the part for the"arms", boots, hat, & axe because the cardboard stuff we were using was a little hard to cut with safety scissors, but the rest Dylan did as well as gluing it all together (which I guess needed a TON of glue because he used 1/2 a bottle, but oh well!!)
Ryan needed a little more help with his he is still learning how to use scissors(ever since he cut his own hair he hasn't got to practice much). So I cut out almost everything, but let Ryan scissor at it a few times while I held it still for him then he glued it altogether!! 
Just so we're clear & everyone knows - Ryan didn't need a nap today, he wasn't tired....LOL
Sunday night J.D. & I were cooking supper, but not fast enough for Aydan - he was hungry. The box of cookies was just too close so he opened it & helped himself to a bite of every cookie. Well, he had to make sure he got the tastiest one!! :)
We let him go ahead & have one. He picked this one - it must have been the best!
He was very happy (& messy) afterwards, but he still ended up eating all of his supper too!
I started singing the little song "Who took the cookie for the cookie jar." & he started laughing & pointing at me!
We decided on a Sesame Street cake - but were not too happy when we got it back. It looked nothing like the picture in the book at the store & it was very sloppy! It was also supposed to be half chocolate half white - we got it and it was 100% chocolate....but oh well, Aydan still had fun....
This was the cake they gave Aydan as a personal cake - for free. He very much enjoyed it. Took a little bit to get him started & he actually cried at first but once he tasted it he was VERY happy. He munched down 3/4 of the cake!!
Aydan isn't much into opening gifts, so Mommy got stuck doing it. He loved what came out of the packages though. This one was a Sesame Street bath time boat toy from Aunt Jamie & Cousin Alli. He loves it, but I did have to tell Dylan & Ryan that it was Aydan's & they needed to leave it alone. (They liked it too..) :)
He also got a Sesame Street mail box shape sorter from Gamma & Gampa. He's getting very good at using it too!
This was just as he was getting started on the cake. By the time he was done he was covered in it. He ended up having a sink bath in the kitchen & I was still picking it out of his ears & nose afterwards!
Aydan wasn't too happy to get dressed in his "Birthday Boy" clothes - can you tell?? :)
He loved all of his new "big boy" gifts. He hadn't really gotten any new things since Christmas when he was only a little over a month old - he had out grown his baby rattles a long time ago..
a Safari Truck & Animals that Dylan & Ryan got him...
Aydan's first time to eat Peanut Butter Cookies - He loved them!! I'm so glad a couple of his friends were able to make it to his party. (the other one had already left before this picture was taken)
