.....One Week....

...and somehow it passed me by. Somewhere I've missed a day in the past week because all week I've been dreading today, but today isn't Wednesday. I missed Wednesday! The weird thing is all day yesterday I was planning my regular things I do on Thursdays, but it never hit me that it was Wednesday. I even remembered Tuesday was over. Almost like I was trying to block it out, but I didn't do it on purpose!

Still...It's been one week since Eyvan returned to Heaven. It's been a little over 24 hours since I last cried, so I guess that means things are going better...right?
This morning I had to do the last(?) testing to make sure my body is back to "normal" though I don't think there's such a thing as "normal". Having a baby in Heaven isn't normal, trying to cope with it isn't normal, going to dr. appt.s to ensure your health after losing your child isn't normal.... So what is normal?

I'm still having to remind myself the baby is really gone. It doesn't seem real honestly. I've been so busy and so tired since last Wednesday that I truly don't think it has fully sank in. I mean the idea of everything I get, but the fact that it's real and forever I really don't think has sunk in... I keep thinking "when the baby gits here I have to...oh, wait...." The other day J.D. and I were out shopping for a couple of school clothes items for Dylan & Ryan when we walked by the newborn clothes and I got excited for a second when I saw an outfit that would make a wonderful coming home outfit for baby. Then it hit me that we don't need one of those. We are SUPPOSED to NEED one of those!!! I want to NEED one of those.
Ok, lets start that no cry count-up over....

So anyways I had to go in for blood work this morning. They want to test my HCG levels to ensure they are back to "normal". (again with that word that truly has no meaning!)
Every time I think it's finally time for me to stop having it shoved in my face it is again. Like here lets do more tests just to prove and re-prove it's really over because what we've put you through already just isn't enough!

I think a lot of people think I'm nuts for getting so upset over something like this because we weren't very far along. But it didn't live inside them, it lived in me! I had already begun to bond with this coming child. I had already started praying for this child...my child...my baby! Then all of a sudden this precious baby is gone. I never got to feel it kick, or hear it's heart beat(oh how I wish I had called to make an appt. sooner. If I had just called a week earlier they could have gotten me in & maybe I could have heard it's heart beating, but because I was so "busy" with everything else I put it off). I never got to hold Eyvan, or give Eyvan a hug, kiss Eyvan's little cheeks. I somewhat feel robbed of these things. I keep asking my self if it would have been harder to loose the baby if I were farther along or if it had been still born, or passed after birth....I really don't think that would have been harder - I almost feel like being able to see the baby and have a funeral would have at least given closure. Here there is no closure - it's just gone.

I figure all of this will get easier though as the weeks go by, at least I hope it gets easier. The next few weeks are going to be so busy anyways that it should at least help keep my mind off of the sad parts. This weekend is tax free weekend so we are planning to go buy new school shoes for the boys, we have lots of home redecorating to do, and 2 weeks from tomorrow Dylan & Ryan have their first day of school!! I think they are getting excited! I'm anxious to see who their teachers are!

Well, time to get on with my THURSDAY! The only good thing about missing a day this week is it makes the week seem shorter and tomorrow is Friday! I'm very ready for Saturday!