Dreading Monday...

Last Wednesday I woke up knowing our world was changing in a very bad way. At around 9:30 I called my Dr. and left a message telling them what was going on. At 10:00 the nurse called back telling me she had set up an emergency ultrasound at the hospital for me at 11:00. I quickly called all the daycare parents to tell them I was closing early.
When we got there they took us into the little ultrasound room and got everything ready to start seeing what was going on.
Very quickly we could see that Eyvan was still there. We couldn't tell much because their equipment "is for diagnostic purposes only, not for in-depth looking". They said Eyvan was measuring 2 weeks smaller than we though our baby should be. I tried to tell myself this was okay because Ryan always measured really small too! Down inside I knew this couldn't be possible though. A week smaller? Maybe. Two weeks? Not possible!
We left with me trying to stay upbeat and think positive. I got home and crashed on the couch taking a 3 hour nap. (Much needed rest.) When I woke up I started googling pictures of ultrasound photos at the stage they said Eyvan was at. I was able to find so many that looked just like it! I went from very worried to pretty hopeful. My Dr.'s office called saying that since it was measuring smaller than expected they wanted me to come to the office next Thursday(Aug. 7th) for another ultrasound to try to get a better look at everything.
Around 5 o'clock I started having extremely bad abdominal pain that was quickly followed with a severe migraine. Shortly after 6:00p.m. Eyvan made the journey back to Heaven. I truly could have never imagined how emotionally & physically painful this process could be. After it was all finished though the physical pain left very rapidly(by 8pm).
The following day I just tried to stay very busy, which wasn't hard at all with as many things as we had to do. A ct scan for Grannie at 10:30, her sister picking her up at 1:00 to take her to an appointment in OKC, Summer reading Program Award Ceremony at 1:30 for the boys, then us heading to OKC to pick Grannie up and bring her home, then a Pampered Chef party with a friend & dinner. I had many sad moments throughout the day, but tried my hardest to just keep my mind off of it. I was thinking I would call the Dr.'s office on Friday and just cancel the appointment for next week.
Got up yesterday (Friday) and called to tell them what had happened and that I needed to cancel my appointment. They informed me that they would like me to still come in, but on Monday instead. They said it's best to have another ultrasound just to make sure everything has been taken care of so I don't end up with an infection of any kind. I hesitantly agreed knowing it was best, but not wanting to do it.
When we went in on Wednesday we were at least able to get a small glimpse of Eyvan. We knew Eyvan was still there. I don't want to go it on Monday. I don't want to see a blank screen. I know Eyvan is no longer there & I just don't want to have a visual of the emptiness.
I want to try so badly to move on from the painful part but that is so hard with the constant reminders. I feel like the process of grieving has to start all over on Monday.
When they did the other ultrasound I asked them to print out a picture of it. I know that she thought I was nuts, but I knew if I didn't ask and something happened I would regret not having it.

With each one of my kids I started a notebook for them as soon as we discovered they were coming. It was no different this time. I enjoy writing to them about things happening in our family & around the would. Something they can read someday. After they are born I add things about them - their firsts. It's been really hard to write in Eyvan's since Wednesday. My last entry in there was Wednesday night to say goodbye. I just can't open it back up. The idea of writing in it just doesn't have the same meaning. No one will ever read it - so what's the point? Plus Wednesday morning I had taped the ultrasound picture in there and wrote about it. The entry was so happy because Eyvan was still there. I don't want to look at that post. I don't want to see the happiness. I need to write though because I haven't even "told" Eyvan that we chose a name yet.

Please keep J.D. & I in your thoughts and prayers on Monday.It's going to be a very rough day....