We have an Angel...

When you discover you're expecting a new baby you immediately start thinking of all the items you need to get to prepare and how you are going to tell all of the special people in your life. For us we try thinking of the most creative yet special way we can tell our family. We are so excited to share the news of our upcoming arrival. The one thing you don't plan for is how to share the joyous yet sad news of that small baby going back to Heaven before you even get to share that it's coming. No one ever plans for their child to pass whether they are carrying it in their womb or its a grown adult. Children just aren't supposed to die...
You also don't think about how you would respond to the loss of that new upcoming arrival - because you don't want to think about that ever being a possibility.
So how do you tell friends and family once it's all over?? I guess like this...

On Wednesday July 27th 2011 our baby Eyvan Aolani returned to the loving arms of our Heavenly Father. We feel blessed to be Eyvan's parents if only for a short time here on earth. With our faith we are comforted in the fact that we will someday meet face to face.

(Those who are picking up the phone - please put it down and continue reading.)

We decided to give our child a name without knowing it's gender to allow our child to be "more of a person". We don't want it to be something we just get over or forget. We want Eyvan to be a part of our lives - a memory - our child, our little blessing from/in Heaven.

Both names are gender neutral because Angels don't need genders. :)
Eyvan (Evan) - "God is Good" - Of course we added the Y to the name so it fits along with the boys names. The AN ending was originally intended to only be the ending of names we would give to our boys, but this name seemed fitting for both a boy or girl.
Aolani (A-oh-lon-ee) - "Cloud from Heaven" or "Heavenly Cloud"

In the last 48 hours I have gone through every emotion possible. The first part of Wednesday it was mostly confusion just running off of adrenaline I guess. By Wed. night I was just sad - couldn't stop crying. Pretty much all day yesterday I was in some form of denial maybe...accepting that it had happened, but not allowing myself to feel it.
Today I think though has by far been the worst yet. I'm sad and angry. I'm angry because it's not fair. I'm angry because I don't understand why it happened. I'm angry because I wonder if it was something I did. Did I not eat the right things? Did I not get enough rest? Did I lift something that was too heavy? Did I move too quickly? Did I not take vitamins soon enough? Did I drink too much caffeine? Everyone tells you that you can't blame yourself, but why would your mind not go there first? You are the one meant to protect that baby, to help it grow and develop and when those things don't happen obviously that is the first thought. Then you have the people who tell you "that's just your body's way of removing an imperfect baby" - REALLY?!?! Are you kidding me?? Is that supposed to help me feel better about it? Am I just supposed to say "Thank God I'm not going to have a FREAK of a child!!"???? That DOESN'T HELP!!!! My baby is MY BABY whether imperfect or not. Honestly none of us are perfect....
Then there are the people who say "you can still try again!" Yeah because that was the FIRST thought that came to my mind! NOT!!! I can honestly say this whole thing makes me not ever want to "have" another one. At this moment I am a quitter. I have 3 PPIEW little boys - they are enough for me.

I have a select group of people I'm willing to really speak to about it. The ones who have been through it are in this group. I am willing to somewhat carry on conversations with some others about it, but not many yet. Anyone who is going to upset me more or cause me to cry I really don't want to talk to at all right now. I need my time to grieve in my own way.

"Why then are you posting it on your blog?" you might ask..... Because no matter what happened Eyvan is still our child & we want the world to know we have 4 children. We aren't going to hide that fact just because something bad happened. We are a family of 6 now, even if one isn't here physically with us. We wanted Aydan to have the opportunity to be a big brother - now he is. Not in the way we had pictured, but still a big brother! We want to be able to tell our children about our baby in Heaven without worrying they'll tell someone and we will start getting bombarded with the "why didn't you tell me!"'s
We don't want people to wonder what is going on every time we are having a rough day.
I personally don't want to make up excuses to why it looks like I've been crying, or why I'm not talkative. I just want to be....

I'm sad at the loss of my child, but at the same time feel blessed. Not everyone gets to be the Mommy of an Angel so I must have done something pretty special to deserve such a great title! I still wish I wasn't so deserving though....

Over time I'm sure it will become easier to cope with. For now though we want our space on the subject. No need to ask us how we are doing - the answer will always be the same.... As well as someone can do when they have lost their baby.