"Magic" #7

I've been waiting for today...because today marks 7 weeks since Eyvan returned to Heaven. I've been watching the calendar, counting the days & weeks. Not that anything special occurs today. It's been more like a survival thing. I wanted to make it 7 weeks. I made it 7 weeks! I felt like if I could make it that long with out getting depressed that everything really would be okay. I've accepted everything that happened though at this point it all seems more like a really bad dream than like reality. We are now doing pretty well with everything though. We still miss Eyvan, I'm sad our family never got the chance to take a trip with baby Eyvan in tow, never got the chance for a family hug or movie night all piled on the couch together even though we hardly fit(but I sure do love my family "suggles"!). ......Someday, someday!

I have continued to keep writing in Eyvan's journal. This has been good for me in helping me get my feelings out at the moments I need to without having to bother anyone else. Plus gives me some time where I can feel like Eyvan is close to me, so I can just talk to my baby - about life, the weather or whatever works at that time...

I know it will slowly get easier over time. I know that over time the number of times I think of Eyvan each day will slowly lower. It makes me sad that this will happen, but I will never forget. We are lucky though because God gave us 2 days each year to celebrate Eyvan's life. I look forward to our due date so we can do some special things to celebrate as well as Eyvan's Heaven "Gotcha Day". I still have a bit of time to plan both, but both will be fun family days all Eyvan-ish! :)

We told the boys a little bit about Eyvan, Aydan doesn't understand at all, Ryan understands very little, but Dylan understands it & occasionally asks a question or two. He actually teared up a bit telling me he wanted a baby sister. That's something Dylan has told us before - he wants a little sister. Who knows, he may have one! If not - then he has another brother which is wonderful too!

It never used to bother me when people would ask if we were going to "try for a girl". Though now it really bothers me when people ask if we WERE trying for a girl. NO, we weren't! I don't like people thinking of our baby's life for something as un-important as a gender. Our baby was/is more than that. It never mattered to me whether our baby would be a girl or boy. I've loved being a Mommy to my boys I would have loved to have another, it would have also been wonderful to put some pink in our house - but it didn't matter! We just wanted our baby, a happy healthy baby - which is what we have we just don't get to meet yet. Our time will someday come though. We are content with God's choice to keep Eyvan though and we are thankful He allowed us to call Eyvan ours. It has all been a wonderful blessing(in a somewhat twisted way). I'm proud to be able to say we are a family of 6!! I like it! Not that 5 wasn't nice, but 6 is wonderful!

Now I'm just needing to work on getting some new pictures of the boys so that we can update our picture wall in the living room. I cannot wait to have Eyvan's picture join that wall... Time to go frame shopping!