"My Angel Baby"

My Angel Baby
Written by my Sister-in-law Sandra - July 30, 2011

I have an angel baby
Who was with me a short while
I never got to hold you,
Hear your cry or see your smile.

God took my angel baby
To stay forever in His hands
I know He had His reasons
I'm still trying to understand.

My angel baby is always here
With me in my heart
But still it is so painful
To be physically apart.

I miss my angel baby
Sadness and heartache still remain
I don't think there will ever be
A way to cure this pain.

I love you, my angel baby,
I'll always miss you here with me
Yet I know when my time comes
Together we'll always be.

Rest well my angel baby
For in my heart you stay
And know that you are loved and missed
Every part of every day.

~Dedicated to everyone who has an angel baby.
Her baby became an angel on June 1, 2005 at 6 weeks.

Dreading Monday...

Last Wednesday I woke up knowing our world was changing in a very bad way. At around 9:30 I called my Dr. and left a message telling them what was going on. At 10:00 the nurse called back telling me she had set up an emergency ultrasound at the hospital for me at 11:00. I quickly called all the daycare parents to tell them I was closing early.
When we got there they took us into the little ultrasound room and got everything ready to start seeing what was going on.
Very quickly we could see that Eyvan was still there. We couldn't tell much because their equipment "is for diagnostic purposes only, not for in-depth looking". They said Eyvan was measuring 2 weeks smaller than we though our baby should be. I tried to tell myself this was okay because Ryan always measured really small too! Down inside I knew this couldn't be possible though. A week smaller? Maybe. Two weeks? Not possible!
We left with me trying to stay upbeat and think positive. I got home and crashed on the couch taking a 3 hour nap. (Much needed rest.) When I woke up I started googling pictures of ultrasound photos at the stage they said Eyvan was at. I was able to find so many that looked just like it! I went from very worried to pretty hopeful. My Dr.'s office called saying that since it was measuring smaller than expected they wanted me to come to the office next Thursday(Aug. 7th) for another ultrasound to try to get a better look at everything.
Around 5 o'clock I started having extremely bad abdominal pain that was quickly followed with a severe migraine. Shortly after 6:00p.m. Eyvan made the journey back to Heaven. I truly could have never imagined how emotionally & physically painful this process could be. After it was all finished though the physical pain left very rapidly(by 8pm).
The following day I just tried to stay very busy, which wasn't hard at all with as many things as we had to do. A ct scan for Grannie at 10:30, her sister picking her up at 1:00 to take her to an appointment in OKC, Summer reading Program Award Ceremony at 1:30 for the boys, then us heading to OKC to pick Grannie up and bring her home, then a Pampered Chef party with a friend & dinner. I had many sad moments throughout the day, but tried my hardest to just keep my mind off of it. I was thinking I would call the Dr.'s office on Friday and just cancel the appointment for next week.
Got up yesterday (Friday) and called to tell them what had happened and that I needed to cancel my appointment. They informed me that they would like me to still come in, but on Monday instead. They said it's best to have another ultrasound just to make sure everything has been taken care of so I don't end up with an infection of any kind. I hesitantly agreed knowing it was best, but not wanting to do it.
When we went in on Wednesday we were at least able to get a small glimpse of Eyvan. We knew Eyvan was still there. I don't want to go it on Monday. I don't want to see a blank screen. I know Eyvan is no longer there & I just don't want to have a visual of the emptiness.
I want to try so badly to move on from the painful part but that is so hard with the constant reminders. I feel like the process of grieving has to start all over on Monday.
When they did the other ultrasound I asked them to print out a picture of it. I know that she thought I was nuts, but I knew if I didn't ask and something happened I would regret not having it.

With each one of my kids I started a notebook for them as soon as we discovered they were coming. It was no different this time. I enjoy writing to them about things happening in our family & around the would. Something they can read someday. After they are born I add things about them - their firsts. It's been really hard to write in Eyvan's since Wednesday. My last entry in there was Wednesday night to say goodbye. I just can't open it back up. The idea of writing in it just doesn't have the same meaning. No one will ever read it - so what's the point? Plus Wednesday morning I had taped the ultrasound picture in there and wrote about it. The entry was so happy because Eyvan was still there. I don't want to look at that post. I don't want to see the happiness. I need to write though because I haven't even "told" Eyvan that we chose a name yet.

Please keep J.D. & I in your thoughts and prayers on Monday.It's going to be a very rough day....

We have an Angel...

When you discover you're expecting a new baby you immediately start thinking of all the items you need to get to prepare and how you are going to tell all of the special people in your life. For us we try thinking of the most creative yet special way we can tell our family. We are so excited to share the news of our upcoming arrival. The one thing you don't plan for is how to share the joyous yet sad news of that small baby going back to Heaven before you even get to share that it's coming. No one ever plans for their child to pass whether they are carrying it in their womb or its a grown adult. Children just aren't supposed to die...
You also don't think about how you would respond to the loss of that new upcoming arrival - because you don't want to think about that ever being a possibility.
So how do you tell friends and family once it's all over?? I guess like this...

On Wednesday July 27th 2011 our baby Eyvan Aolani returned to the loving arms of our Heavenly Father. We feel blessed to be Eyvan's parents if only for a short time here on earth. With our faith we are comforted in the fact that we will someday meet face to face.

(Those who are picking up the phone - please put it down and continue reading.)

We decided to give our child a name without knowing it's gender to allow our child to be "more of a person". We don't want it to be something we just get over or forget. We want Eyvan to be a part of our lives - a memory - our child, our little blessing from/in Heaven.

Both names are gender neutral because Angels don't need genders. :)
Eyvan (Evan) - "God is Good" - Of course we added the Y to the name so it fits along with the boys names. The AN ending was originally intended to only be the ending of names we would give to our boys, but this name seemed fitting for both a boy or girl.
Aolani (A-oh-lon-ee) - "Cloud from Heaven" or "Heavenly Cloud"

In the last 48 hours I have gone through every emotion possible. The first part of Wednesday it was mostly confusion just running off of adrenaline I guess. By Wed. night I was just sad - couldn't stop crying. Pretty much all day yesterday I was in some form of denial maybe...accepting that it had happened, but not allowing myself to feel it.
Today I think though has by far been the worst yet. I'm sad and angry. I'm angry because it's not fair. I'm angry because I don't understand why it happened. I'm angry because I wonder if it was something I did. Did I not eat the right things? Did I not get enough rest? Did I lift something that was too heavy? Did I move too quickly? Did I not take vitamins soon enough? Did I drink too much caffeine? Everyone tells you that you can't blame yourself, but why would your mind not go there first? You are the one meant to protect that baby, to help it grow and develop and when those things don't happen obviously that is the first thought. Then you have the people who tell you "that's just your body's way of removing an imperfect baby" - REALLY?!?! Are you kidding me?? Is that supposed to help me feel better about it? Am I just supposed to say "Thank God I'm not going to have a FREAK of a child!!"???? That DOESN'T HELP!!!! My baby is MY BABY whether imperfect or not. Honestly none of us are perfect....
Then there are the people who say "you can still try again!" Yeah because that was the FIRST thought that came to my mind! NOT!!! I can honestly say this whole thing makes me not ever want to "have" another one. At this moment I am a quitter. I have 3 PPIEW little boys - they are enough for me.

I have a select group of people I'm willing to really speak to about it. The ones who have been through it are in this group. I am willing to somewhat carry on conversations with some others about it, but not many yet. Anyone who is going to upset me more or cause me to cry I really don't want to talk to at all right now. I need my time to grieve in my own way.

"Why then are you posting it on your blog?" you might ask..... Because no matter what happened Eyvan is still our child & we want the world to know we have 4 children. We aren't going to hide that fact just because something bad happened. We are a family of 6 now, even if one isn't here physically with us. We wanted Aydan to have the opportunity to be a big brother - now he is. Not in the way we had pictured, but still a big brother! We want to be able to tell our children about our baby in Heaven without worrying they'll tell someone and we will start getting bombarded with the "why didn't you tell me!"'s
We don't want people to wonder what is going on every time we are having a rough day.
I personally don't want to make up excuses to why it looks like I've been crying, or why I'm not talkative. I just want to be....

I'm sad at the loss of my child, but at the same time feel blessed. Not everyone gets to be the Mommy of an Angel so I must have done something pretty special to deserve such a great title! I still wish I wasn't so deserving though....

Over time I'm sure it will become easier to cope with. For now though we want our space on the subject. No need to ask us how we are doing - the answer will always be the same.... As well as someone can do when they have lost their baby.

Vacation Day 3 - Yummy Crab! (July 4th 2011)

On day 3 we decided to find one of the local restaurants to try out. We chose a place to eat - Anglers, and when we arrived the parking lot was so full we couldn't park. We drove into the next parking lot found a spot to park, but then decided to just go the the place that own the lot we were in - The Crab Trap. Turns out this was an AWESOME choice! The food was awesome & the view was great too! Right on the beach! The kids had a blast trying new foods as well as Mommy & Daddy! (Maybe someday we'll get a chance to try Anglers!)

The first thing we had was Broiled Crab Claws, these were wonderful! The kids LOVED them meaning Mommy didn't get too many because I was too busy dishing them out, but that's okay! :)
This place was also great because they gave buckets & shovels with the kids meals! I was impressed! So much better than any MD's toy!

Yummy Snow Crab Legs! They actually had these on the kids menu so we decided to get one order for all three to split along with a cheaper kids meal as well. The crab legs though were a HUGE hit! But once again this meant major work for Mommy! (Of course it meant I got to taste test them though!)

The other kids meal was a version of "Fish & Chips" really, but Aydan was all about it because he could dip it in ketchup!

Out in front of the restaurant they had this nifty picture spot. The boys were very curious about the "crashed" airplane, but were quick to point out that it could not have really crashed there because of the way the pieces were laying. I was proud of them for being able to pay close enough attention to the detail to figure it out!

This wasn't at the Crab Trap, but was one of my favorite things about our trip. The bridge into Destin led us to this scene a few times. This was an area where the water was just deep enough for boats but shallow enough for standing, and very calm. Boats would gather here all throughout the day just seeming to have one giant block party. They even had inflatable water slides & bounce houses out there! Someday I'd like to go back and make this area a stop on our to do list!

Vacation Day 2 - On The Road Again! (July 3rd 2011)

Day 2 was spent in the car! The WHOLE day! 13 hours of sight seeing/sitting!

This is Ryan's new carseat. When he fell asleep in the car I noticed how much the seat belt wasn't fitting him and all of a sudden I felt a need to rush out and buy him a new seat! He has a 5 pt. harness seat that he uses still because he's still under 40lbs, but because it is really un-comfy to sit in for such long periods of time we switched him into a back-up booster seat we already had, but it had no back support on it. The new one fits him perfect!
This "Mother's intuition" paid off towards the end of the vacation. So glad my baby was kept safe!

Someone was a bit bored...

A Battleship! This is the USS Alabama at the Battleship Memorial Park. We hope on a future trip to plan this into our fun so we can stop & look around!

The George C. Wallace Tunnel. This was a lot of fun to drive through & really took the kids minds off of sitting! They had a blast!

Even after sitting they were worn out by the time we arrived in Destin. As soo as we got checked in we took our "3 minute walk" down to the beach even though we couldn't see hardly anything because it was so dark! Luckily since it was so close to the 4th people were shooting off fireworks on the beach which gave us a little bit of light.
Ryan ran fully clothed right into the ocean because he was so excited which resulted in bath as soon as we returned to the room. Not only was he very wet but he had also rolled in the sand - it didn't help matters at all!
They crashed as soon as they had pj's on!

Vacation Day 1 - Stop in Texas (July 2nd 2011)

The very first stop on our vacation was at the Dr. Pepper Museum in Waco Texas. Very AWESOME time was had by all. So worth every penny. The only thing that could have made it better would have been Dr. Pepper samples at the end! :)

--Cutout Pictures/Race Car Drivers!--

I think Aydan was afraid of falling so he held on tight!

Ryan was a bit quick on his standing so we almost missed a shot of him behind the cutout!

Dylan was laughing so hard he even had me laughing... :P

We loved the cutout for pictures! I think these are the boys favorite pictures from all the things we did that day.

This is one of my fav's - I just wish Aydan had been looking at the camera!!

They had a really awesome room dedicated to kids and toys. This room made me feel a bit old though because it was basically a "toy museum" and had things like Furby, the original Gameboy and a view finder as well as MANY other toys I grew up with!
Dylan right away found the Lego's & Lincoln Logs while Ryan & Andrew walked on to play with toy cars.

All of the boys (even Aydan) made some really fun paper cones to play with inside the "wind tunnel".

This was the "wind tunnel" it was just a handmade toy that had a small fan under a bucket, but kept all 4 boys busy for a long time! I took many pictures so maybe someday I can make one for daycare!

Aydan was VERY impressed with the slinky! I know exactly what he's getting for his birthday! He worked for the longest time trying to make it "slinky" down the stairs. He was trying to use the plastic one though which didn't work too well. Once he mastered it though he was so proud of himself and I was proud of him for not giving up!

Mikayla was all about the crayons! She had a very hard time choosing just 1 though! :P

It was so nice to be able to have this fun time with family. My brother, his wife & their kids met us in Waco as well as my parents so that we could all celebrate my Mom's birthday. Sadly I somehow managed to not get a single picture of the birthday girl!

This is the closest thing we've had to a family picture in over a year. The wind & sun weren't too helpful, but I'm still happy to have this picture! J.D. & I are always the ones behind the camera and to have a picture with both of us in it is CRAZY!!!

My kids were VERY worn out on our way to my brothers house from all of our fun in Waco. They had all fallen asleep within about 5 minutes of getting into the car.

Aydan actually fell asleep in the middle of trying to get a drink of his water...

Vacation Day 1 - Getting ready to leave! (July 2nd 2011)

Planned to leave at 6, but that diddn't happen, we were a bit late...

Yukon all packed and ready to roll!

(Notice the dirty, but still perfect bumper this is important for later.)

Kids waiting patiently to leave!

On the road!

Sunglasses and all. Ready for 9 hours of sitting! (or as ready as possible!)

Our Baby Birds

A few weeks ago we found a couple of birds building a small next in our hanging plant on our porch. About a week after they built it the Mommy started laying eggs. She laid 1 egg a day for 4 days! I forgot to get pictures of the eggs, but the babies hatched 2 days before we left for vacation so I snapped one of them!

Only 3 of the 4 eggs hatched. But those 3 were very healthy well fed babies!

By the time we returned home from vacation this is what we found. Fully feathered babies moving about the planter well!

2 days after us returning home we got to one by one watch all three babies fledge the nest! All three took very good first flights and we were sad to see them leave! Hoping a family returns next year!

Last Day Of School

Ryan trying very hard to be silly, but still not laugh because he "wanted it to be summer already!"

On Our way to school! So ready for Summer Break!!

Ryan being un-happy on his last day of school. He did not want to go into his classroom for some odd reason. Actually from what I understand this was kinda his mood every morning for about the last two weeks. Though he ended up having a very wonderful last day! :)

Dylan getting ready to go into class. He was so excited that it was almost summer break!!

This was something I found in his classroom on the last day of school...I guess someone had already touched it & broke it, but I still thought it was cool!

This was a quilt the class made for Mrs. Confer since she was retiring. (Dylan's is the last one on the right in the second row. A rocket of course!) They threw her a surprise retirement party too, it was so fun! She just needs to come back to teach 1st grade next year then again 3 years after that! ;)

Dylan & Mrs. Confer. We loved her so much! She challenged Dylan so much this year to be his best and work hard. I've been so worried Dylan is going to get bored with school because it somewhat comes easy for him, but she did not give him a chance to get bored!

Ryan's class play & singing!

Shortly before school was out Ryan's class put on a special presentation for the parents. They had little groups & did a couple of plays then together sang a few songs. It was absolutely cute! We got a bit of video too!



Ryan & his whole Pre-K class!


Ryan with his WONDERFUL teachers!


Be sure to pause the playlist at the left before watching the video!


"Going On A Bear Hunt!" - Just a small clip of the song. Too large to put the whole thing up!

Now un-pause the music on the left because it's great music! :)

Ryan's Birthday - 5!!!

Ryan was one lucky ducky this year because he scored himself 2 birthday parties! He ended up pretty sick on his birthday so his original party had to be re-planned. We ended up just doing a family party for the first one at the beginning of may (2 weeks after his birthday), then did the second party inviting all of his school friend and family friends was at the beginning of June. I only have pictures of the first one right now. I think the ones from the second party are on our phone so I'll upload those later...

Ryan & his GI-JOE cake.

Ryan with Nana! And his chocolate cake face...

Ryan & cousin Andrew! (W/ Grannie in the background!)

Ryan w/ Gamma & Grampa.

Ryan just loves having so many people around. He's very much a people person! He talked about his parties non-stop for weeks!

Dylan's 1st Grade Zoo Field Trip!

Dylan got to take 2 class field trips this year. The first was to the Pumpkin Patch/Corn Maze back in the fall. That trip had such short notice I did not get to attend. So I was sure to know a long time in advance for the Zoo so I could join him!
We also took Ryan out of school for the day since there was no way we could be back in time to pick him up at release time.

This year we met up again with some good friend we met last year when their son Garrett was in the same Kindergarten class as Dylan. This year their daughter & Ryan were in the same Pre-K class too! (Ryan was so happy, but that's another post entirely!)
I was so glad I had packed their coats just in case because it was SO windy & cold that day! Though it did start warming up a little after lunch.

Ryan & Emalee being Orangutans!

All 5 kiddo's on the Spider Monkey ropes!

At the end of the day the kids can either ride back to school on the bus or ride home with their parents. We chose to keep Dylan with us for a little extra zoo time.
After we were done we went to the movies to see Rio! It was such a cute movie and we had so much fun!

Working on the playhouse!

Dylan wanted to start working on painting and re-decorating the playhouse so we bought paint. Dylan & Daddy went to work painting while Mommy, Aydan & Ryan cleaned out the inside and vacuumed sand out of the carpet.

Dylan & Daddy hard at work!

They also got all of the trim painted , but I must have forgotten to take a picture!

We are planning to paint the inside with chalkboard paint so the are able to draw & do art in there. I also bought small curtain rods & have some old TMNT sheets to sew curtains out of for them.

We still aren't done because he heat has made it practically impossible to work long, but hopefully we'll get it 100% finished this fall!