Picture Updates/Meet Bubblegum!!

 A couple weeks ago we went to visit some friends and hit a few garage sales with them. Found this nifty little thing for Aydan. His first bike for only $10!!! He loves it! He's a quick learner and is super fast on this thing!!

On Ryan's birthday him & Dylan got to visit a car show which they greatly enjoyed!! Dylan really enjoyed looking at all the really awesome cars and Ryan enjoyed bashing the wrecked car with a bat - imagine that! :) 

(Hard to believe these two are only 2 years apart, but Ryan has been growing a little!)

 Recently Dylan's 2nd grade class put on a play "Follow the Drinking Gourd" while learning about the underground railroad. He played "Samuel" a little boy whose family was trying to escape slavery. He was so excited to dress the part in his holy jeans and stained up dirty shirt. He did such a great job!!

 Aydan loved having his bestie Roderick come to visit. When these two were babies they looked almost identical, red hair and everything!! Not even related! I met Roderick's parents while both his mom and I were still preggers. Aydan is almost a month older but I had so many times of having to do double takes while keeping him for daycare. They still look so much alike but are starting to change a little as they grow up so far less twinage!

 Ryan's Super-Kids Day injury.... He and another child ran head first into each other at the award ceremony... His poor little cheek - I missed getting a picture the following day but it turned green which wasn't a good look!  

 Ryan on "Dress Like A Pirate" day at school. Kindergarteners have so much fun!!

Do you know how hard it is to get an excited little pirate to sit down and smile?!?! He had to make himself smile using his hand! :P

 A few nights ago Ryan asked to sleep in my bed with me. This is something he hasn't done since July of last year. He used to join me in bed EVERY night from about 2-3am because of his difficulty sleeping. He'd wake up every night and be awake for around 2 hours just unable to sleep so he'd come lay in my bed and sing to himself quietly or play with his fingers until he wore himself back out enough to sleep until he woke up at 6. This was after going to bed around 11:00-11:30. Luckily since July of last year he has been able to sleep through the night from 9pm until 6-7am!!! Its amazing!!!

I just couldn't resist a photo op. It's not too often I get a picture of him being still!! :)

Aydan and his girlie friend Kennie. These two are a hoot to be around!

Last, but certainly not least.... Meet Bubblegum! Ryan's new kitten was born on May 6th. She is the little calico cutie! He is soooooo excited!! We had to go yesterday to buy her her very first collar. He wanted to get her a black collar with metal spikes and was very disappointed when Petco didn't have any for sale.... He ended up with a pink one with black sculls and cross bones (the child is crazy!! j/k I love that strange little dude!) In 5-7 more weeks we get to bring her home!! :)

Ryan's birthday fun....

Ryan's day through pictures!

 I went in to wake him up for school and he just looked too cute next to Champ to not get a picture!

Champ is officially 3 years old now! It was his b-day too!

 He wasn't pleased to be woken up via camera flash! :P
So he just shoved his hand in front of the camera....

 Getting some practice on his new set of wheels! (Yes he has a helmet...somewhere...)

 Settling down watching some tv before bed after ridding bikes for over an hour...

Getting ready to end his busy day heading back to bed. Yes he was fake sleeping...lol...love this kid!

For dinner he picked to eat at McDonalds, but I forgot to get pictures..

Also we told him we were getting him a kitten as well, but that it wasn't born yet. He didn't have too much of a reaction which seemed a bit odd considering he's been asking for almost a year! I'm sure he'll be much more excited once he can actually see it! Hopefully I'll have kitten pictures soon!! :)

Overall we had a great day! Can't wait to celebrate with friends and family on Saturday!

Happy Birthday little Prince!

It's so hard to believe Ryan is now 6 years old - well as of 4:16pm he will be. (Trying not to rush it any faster than we have to!)

 He's becoming such an amazing little boy! His sparkle, his zest for life and curiosity never ceases to put a smile on my face. 

I truly can't wait to see what he does with his life. I know with his drive and determination he can do anything he sets his mind to!

I Love you my sweet little Prince!  :)  

Happy Birthday!

Dylan "Star of the Week"

Last week was Dylan's week at school to be "Star of the Week". This is where for 1 week he gets to bring an item that is special or important to him each day to share with the class. Then we as parents get to (be punished by :P ) send a snack for the whole class each day.

• Monday Dylan wanted to take a few things from our Florida trip. He took his shark tooth necklace that he picked as his souvenir while we were there, a few shells we found while at the beach, and a post card I had to scrapbook with that showed a map of where we stayed. He was so excited!
  J.D. had stayed up pretty late the night before making some homemade peanut butter cookies for his snack - which Dylan was excited about too of course!
• Tuesday he took his box of crystals from when we went to Meramec Caverns in 2007, as well as a large crystal Grannie neighbor gave him.
  For snack we sent some fudge stripe cookies and some creme wafer cookies(yes we cheated via WM). But there was a mis understanding and they only got to eat the fudge stripe one because his teacher thought he had brought 2 days worth of snacks, but there were only enough to have 1 cookie each so she handed out chocolate animal crackers with them. Dylan came home VERY bummed out, but we got it all worked out...
• Wednesday insects were his item of choice. We worked very hard Tuesday evening pinning some of his favorite insects we had been storing in the freezer. He picked 5 to pin in a cigar/pencil style box.
  
  For snack I made brownies. I actually got up first thing Wednesday morning to make these. (I was waiting on a response from his teacher after the cookie incident just to make sure brownies were okay to send so I had waited until the last min. since I hadn't heard back yet). So the plan was that J.D. was going to drop these by the school on his lunch break for Dylan's class for snack, but on the way to school Dylan let J.D. know that they actually do snack in the mornings!!! So J.D. quickly returned home to help speed cool the brownies using a second sheet pan with ice in it. We were able to cool a 13x17 inch pan in like 10 min! We got them all cut, wrapped and he rushed them back to Dylan's school to ensure they were there by snack time.
  
• Thursday he wanted to take a couple of his Wooden Nutcrackers. He's trying to get a collection of these. So far he has 3 of his own & I hear he has one in the works! ;)
  Snack consisted of the missed cookies from Tuesday & Apple slices.
• Friday was the day to bring the penny collection! This one has always intrigued me... Dylan just loves to collect pennies from those machines that squish them w/ a picture on them like the zoo, aquariums, museums etc. He has a nice little collection and always searches for these machines when we go to new places. He always has the hardest time deciding on which design to get as well (each machine normally has 4 to choose from).
  Snack for his last day were snowman cookies. I started baking these around 5pm Thursday evening and finally finished decorating around 4 hours later - luckily J.D. helped. We don't have all that great decorating skills, but they still turned out cute!

He's just Ryan!

For a while now Ryan has been going into the bathroom each morning before school and fixing his hair. Today was no different except for the fact he insisted on me hair-spraying it for him. I told him I needed pictures and these are the 4 I got before he hopped in the car to go to school.

Ryan has come a long way from that tiny little 6lb 11oz baby we had a little over 5 years ago.

He sure has kept us on our toes! At five months old I caught him climbing a bookcase in our living-room and he's only gotten more active!

He's finally made it to 30lbs though so we are super proud! He's also 3ft 5in. tall now too!
He's growing!!

A little boy who didn't sleep more than 45 minutes at a time until he was 11 months old, ate non-stop from birth(and still does). A little boy whose growth was so slow that he sent Dr.s on a wild goose chase to find out why. A little boy so active that I still get up each night to check on him to insure he's still safe in his bed. A little boy who has the ability to melt hearts with his smile! - He sure is a blessing!
Sure do love this little boy!

Following Blogs - Adoption

I know I will probably make a few upset by this post, but oh well. (If it upsets you maybe there is a reason, maybe your heart is in the wrong place too!)

This has been heavy on my heart for a while now, even to the point of dreaming about it last night.

I love reading blogs. They are pretty much books about real life. I have quite a few families whose blogs I follow and just love it. There are so many amazing people in this world most of us never get a chance to hear about.

I especially enjoy the adoption blogs. I have a couple I follow of families who have adopted either from over seas or through their state and have adopted older waiting children. Really following Gods direction and bringing home orphans who need families, children who are waiting, children who pray every-night for a forever family who will love them as if they were born there.

Reading some blogs make me sad though - the ones who sit and wait for months or years handing out tons and tons of money waiting for a newborn saying they feel this is what God wants for them. I have no right to say whether God has truly called them for this purpose or not, but to me it seems more like a selfish act. Like "I know God is calling me to adopt, but I WANT a baby so that's what I'll get!" I think it's kind of like saying fine I'll do what you've asked God, but I'm going to do it MY way! Millions of children die in orphanages around the world while families wait for a perfect baby then these families act like they've done this super special thing by taking this newborn who EVERYONE wants - what about the children who NO ONE wants?? What about them? What about their tears? What about their loneliness??

Over and over on adoption blogs I read "God sets the lonely in families" - Yes he does, but are those newborn really lonely? The babies who have 100+ people waiting in line for them? No, they aren't! The children in foster care and the children in orphanages are the lonely ones.
Of course families who have no children of their own I feel a bit different about. I think every family should be blessed with the joy of parenting a new baby, the first snuggles, watching first smilies and first steps, but I think those who are fortunate enough to be blessed with their own children and then fight the families who have no children for the newborns are selfish. They are robbing blessings from others. Then upset when the family without children is chosen! Really?How selfish can one be?!?!
I almost feel jealous in a way and yes I know this is wrong, but I would love to have the money to adopt. I would love to be blessed to be the Mommy of a "child of the heart". I would love to go pick up a child who sits waiting, bring them home, hug them and tell them God's promise to them was real, tell them they are forever ours and we are forever theirs! Instead they will probably sit in a bed until they finally fade away - while someone who has the funds to do so ignores them and instead waits on a perfect little newborn.

Don't get me wrong, I still pray for these families daily. That they will be blessed with the love of a child who needs them. I pray God's will be done in their lives and the lives of their whole family. I know God has plans for them or they wouldn't be were they are.

I also understand these newborns need families too, but I think with so many people in line they aren't going to be forgotten....like the others.

God has given me a heart for orphans, the love of children and the desire to be a Mommy! This has continued beyond the 4 blessing we've received so far(that includes our 1 in Heaven), so I hope He still has more plans for our family. I hope someday to be blessed to receive the joy of an adopted child - until the time God gives us the go ahead we will wait patiently on direction from Him and what He wants for us.

I think the real turing point for me on my desire for adoption came twice actually. The first time was when Ryan was younger. He wasn't growing like other children. He wasn't getting bigger, he wasn't gaining weight. The Dr.s started testing him for everything they could think of because something had to be WRONG with him because he just wasn't "normal".

^-(Taken while we waited) The week we waited on x-ray results of him possibly having Progeria was the worst of my life. I was so worried that my perfect baby wasn't perfect and he was going to die. I stayed awake for days just starring at him - they even had me questioning what was "wrong" with my baby. After the 3rd or 4th day it hit me - there was NOTHING WRONG with MY baby. Even if he had Progeria he was still perfect - he was how God made him therefore he was PERFECT! The x-ray results came back and Ryan did not have Progeria. The only thing they could find was that he had an incredibly fast metabolism - otherwise he was just Ryan.
The second was while I was pregnant with Aydan. I developed shingles while pregnant with him. The Dr.s freaked out making me come in for more appointments and sent me for many level 2 ultrasound to check his development. I kept asking what can it do to my baby - not a single Dr. could tell me what they were looking for. They just kept searching so hard though they just knew something would be "wrong" with him. I didn't really care if anything was wrong, the only thing I wanted to know was if he would need help breathing after birth. Would his heart work, would his lungs work - would his brain tell his body what to do? As long as all of those were yeses we really didn't care, he was our baby and we didn't care as long as he was safe. Turns out the only thing shingles could cause was bone deformities. Something so shallow as deformities.
I realize most of the world is shallow like that as to think something like Progeria or bone deformities is to be made "wrong". My children would have still been my children though, those things would have never changed my love for them at all. So now I have a strong desire to love the children who everyone else thinks were made "wrong". God made them so how can you say something is "wrong" with them. Every person in the world has a purpose. Just because you don't see it doesn't mean it's not there!
Take time today and look at the world a different way....the RIGHT way!

It is so incredibly sad.... An orphan dies every 2 seconds(if averaged out) - so just in the time it took me to type this possibly 900 waiting children faded away, with no one to love them, no one to call their own, lonely - probably no one even noticed and will just come in at some point to find them gone. Yet these families who are waiting on a perfect newborn could have been blessed with the love of an amazing child, but missed it...

These children sit and wait on you while you are busy waiting on perfect and new. Seems a bit twisted to me when two people are waiting and need each other only one can do nothing about it and the other is too clueless to care.

It's been over a year!!

Amazed that Dylan has now made it a whole year with no HSP (Henoch-Schönlein Purpura) event! You know that thing we were told it was rare that he got it twice(we were told this the second year) - that he ended up getting 5 years in a row! Well we have now been an HSP free house for over a year & I couldn't be more excited. We were informed that the more times he had symtoms of it the more likely he was to develop kidney issues later in life - so needless to say I'm one happy Mommy that he seems to have finally outgrown it!

• Year one he got it was when Ryan was born and we were told he just had hives due to stress of having a new sibling. Really?? Kids get hives from the birth of siblings??? Okay...
• Year two he got it we were down in Southeaster OK for my Grandmothers funeral and he got it BAD. He just cried because he hurt so bad from the swelling around his joints. So we loaded him up and took him to the ER. There we ran into a Dr. who knew exactly what it was because he had seen it while working at a children's hospital in Texas.
• Year three we went to his friends birthday party about 2 1/2 hours from our home. Shortly after leaving the party Dyan started crying in his car-seat saying his ankles hurt. So we pulled over and sure enough the hives and swelling where back..again. I had noticed him getting little spots on his legs during the party, but thought they were just mosquito bites which most of the kids had a few each of. Of course that was NOT what his were.
• Year four Dylan got in Pre-k. He had gotten the flu and they started him on Relenza (the inhaler kind) after the second dose his HSP broke out FAST!! This was the year we realized his trigger was upper respiratory stress. This includes colds(year 1), allergens(years 2, 3 & 5), AND medications! (year 4) Luckily we realized very quickly the Relenza had done it so we stopped and he sadly just had to ride out the Flu symptoms.
• Year five took place in late summer/early fall when local farmers began cutting hay. It was his lightest one yet with very minimal swelling and joint pain.

Luckily he hasn't had another event since. Hopefully he wont!

Dylan getting so big! It's hard to believe he's 7 already!
He is doing AWESOME in school so far this year. He's begun having spelling tests for the first time and has gotten 100% on all 5 he's taken so far(17 words on each test)! He's doing really well in reading and math also! He's not a book worm, but does enjoy reading. Right now he's into Nate the Great, Scooby Doo & anything exciting that is chapter-ish. In math he's learning the first steps to algebra and is pretty far into multiplication. He just got done with a couple weeks of lessons on balancing and measuring which he had a blast with!
His favorite things to do these days are look for insects of course (he's getting ready to start learning how to pin them!), and LEGO's!! The child loves Lego's! A couple weeks ago together as a family we all went through and re-organized his Lego's back into sets because he had just a few pieces missing. He now has over 5000 Lego's. He does come by the Lego love naturally though because J.D. & I both have a large number of them as well. It has become a fun family activity for us.

I think there is a reason I was given a house full of boys! Lego's are just more fun than barbie dolls! :P

Birthday craziness!

What a weekend!
I was extremely dreading this past weekend. It's when we had originally planned to share the news of Eyvan's upcoming arrival. Sadly it didn't go that way so it made for a somewhat sad weekend for me.
My family though has this way of making me smile so that all the sadness is quickly replaced with happiness so I don't focus on the unfortunate things, but on the blessings in front of me.
I had an awesomely wonderful weekend surrounded by my Hubby & 3 little boys. I got lots of hugs, kisses and birthday wishes. I was told at least 50 times that I'm the "best Mommy ever!" It can't get much better than that can it??

I spent a lot of time thinking about Eyvan though of course too. Missing so many things...

So a weekend of movies, playing with Lego's (yes that's what a Mommy in a house full of boys does on her birthday!) :) and even a breakfast in bed! I got some very wonderful handmade cards from my kiddo's too! Can't wait to share a picture of my birthday present! We had to order it though and it can take 4-6 weeks to arrive...

Now looking forward to J.D.'s birthday weekend! I love having our birthday's so close together!

How I keep from feeling like I'm running around crazy..."Grand Central Station"!

Sometime we have so much going on or so many things I'm required to remember that I feel like I'm running around like a chicken with my head...well you know. Anyways I've tried thing after thing to try to help me stay more organized. Pocket calendars, day planners, wall calendars...etc nothing worked they were either too bulky, too small space to write, no space to hold important papers and so on. I finally came up with this system! "Grand Central Station" consists of 2 calendars - 1 dry erase magnetic board w/ cork board at the bottom to hold extra papers & 1 regular wall calendar w/ a storage pocket for overflow that wont fit on the dry erase board.


So far it's working well. We are now into month #2 of this system. It's nice to be able to write important things down on the side "notes" section as well - like phone numbers, clinic names (for Grannie), and upcoming birthdays! I've been able to use the cork part to tack school calendars, box tops, money for special things, party invites and much more!

I wish it were a bit more orderly and organized, but it works for us so it's okay!

Sadly I guess this wasn't full enough as 3 new event dates had to be added after this picture was taken(this morning).

The tenderness and love of my children never ceases to amaze me....

Aydan just sat starring out the window yesterday afternoon. Over and over again he would go stare out the window looking for something. I never stopped to ask what he was doing - the house protecting Mommy inside me just kept reminding him to be careful with the blinds.
Again today he kept looking out the window. Finally he went grabbed his coat and told me we needed to go outside. I asked him why (I was sitting in the floor and he was standing in front of me) and he proceeded to put his hands on my cheeks and say "We need to go find your rainbow. It's raining and I can't find your rainbow for you. We need to go look!" Aydan has for 2 days been searching for Mommy's rainbow. He wants me to see my rainbow! My 2 year old , 2 YEAR OLD has such a desire to make others happy. He has such a tender heart at such tiny age. We've one time searched for a rainbow together - the weekend after we lost Eyvan. It's been 7 weeks since then, but the first thing Aydan thought when he saw that it was raining was that we needed to find my rainbow. Sadly even though we looked we of course could not see a rainbow, it's just too cloudy outside right now. Though I now can't wait until the next time we can look for a rainbow together.
Aydan doesn't understand who Eyvan is or why Eyvan is special to us, but he does understand that Mommy likes to see rainbows because of this little Eyvan person we keep speaking of. Someday as Aydan grows he'll begin to understand everything and why rainbows are special to me...until then we'll just keep looking for them - just because we can!

Aydan is one wonderful, special & loving little dude that I'm proud to call mine! :)

Going grain free!!......???

Earlier this week J.D. and I decided to have our family go grain free (while at home/school/work). This is in an attempt to get our family to start learning healthier eating habits. It's just too easy on a busy stressful night to go in and throw a hamburger helper or a Mac & cheese in a pan. For me it's super easy to go grab some crackers, dry cereal or a slice of bread when I'm hungry during the day because my eating time is limited and bread keeps me full longer. Our kids have gotten a bit too addicted to cereal & and snack products too.... So we think it's just time for some change!

Of course if we go out to eat, our kids go to birthday parties or we hang out at a friends house we will be fine eating these things, we are just taking the ease of grains out! :)

So far, so good! Monday evening we had coconut chicken w/ broccoli, Tuesday - meatloaf w/ carrots, Wednesday - grilled pork chops w/ sweet potatoes! Thursday - rotisserie chicken w/ green beans & mashed potatoes(We threw random fruits in there too.) Lunch has been easy so far for the boys because they already love taking things like yogurt, ham, cheese, boiled eggs, salad, and all sorts of fresh veggies/fruits with them anyways - so I just increase the amounts of those things and take out the crackers & bread. Dylan has been the only one to complain about it and his only complaint was no more sugary cereals... It's been a bit harder on Aydan's breakfast/lunches/snacks because I'm still required to feed the daycare kids a grain & fruit with breakfast, 2 components from any of the groups for snack, and something from each group for lunch. Luckily I don't HAVE to feed Aydan all the same things as daycare so I have been able so far to switch Aydan's breads out with either a protein or veggie without to much notice taking place.

To the results - This is only day 5, but so far I have noticed I feel a bit more clear headed. My memory has gotten somewhat back to the way it used to be. (Keep in mind about 75% of my food each day used to be grains.) both Tuesday & Wednesday my energy level had increased due to the extra protein, but yesterday was a low energy day due to lack of sleep and allergies. Today is off to a better start.

So I guess for now I will say it is all still a work in progress. We are loving the new menu though, and missing a few "staple" foods around here. It takes time to get used to it and we'll all survive!

"Magic" #7

I've been waiting for today...because today marks 7 weeks since Eyvan returned to Heaven. I've been watching the calendar, counting the days & weeks. Not that anything special occurs today. It's been more like a survival thing. I wanted to make it 7 weeks. I made it 7 weeks! I felt like if I could make it that long with out getting depressed that everything really would be okay. I've accepted everything that happened though at this point it all seems more like a really bad dream than like reality. We are now doing pretty well with everything though. We still miss Eyvan, I'm sad our family never got the chance to take a trip with baby Eyvan in tow, never got the chance for a family hug or movie night all piled on the couch together even though we hardly fit(but I sure do love my family "suggles"!). ......Someday, someday!

I have continued to keep writing in Eyvan's journal. This has been good for me in helping me get my feelings out at the moments I need to without having to bother anyone else. Plus gives me some time where I can feel like Eyvan is close to me, so I can just talk to my baby - about life, the weather or whatever works at that time...

I know it will slowly get easier over time. I know that over time the number of times I think of Eyvan each day will slowly lower. It makes me sad that this will happen, but I will never forget. We are lucky though because God gave us 2 days each year to celebrate Eyvan's life. I look forward to our due date so we can do some special things to celebrate as well as Eyvan's Heaven "Gotcha Day". I still have a bit of time to plan both, but both will be fun family days all Eyvan-ish! :)

We told the boys a little bit about Eyvan, Aydan doesn't understand at all, Ryan understands very little, but Dylan understands it & occasionally asks a question or two. He actually teared up a bit telling me he wanted a baby sister. That's something Dylan has told us before - he wants a little sister. Who knows, he may have one! If not - then he has another brother which is wonderful too!

It never used to bother me when people would ask if we were going to "try for a girl". Though now it really bothers me when people ask if we WERE trying for a girl. NO, we weren't! I don't like people thinking of our baby's life for something as un-important as a gender. Our baby was/is more than that. It never mattered to me whether our baby would be a girl or boy. I've loved being a Mommy to my boys I would have loved to have another, it would have also been wonderful to put some pink in our house - but it didn't matter! We just wanted our baby, a happy healthy baby - which is what we have we just don't get to meet yet. Our time will someday come though. We are content with God's choice to keep Eyvan though and we are thankful He allowed us to call Eyvan ours. It has all been a wonderful blessing(in a somewhat twisted way). I'm proud to be able to say we are a family of 6!! I like it! Not that 5 wasn't nice, but 6 is wonderful!

Now I'm just needing to work on getting some new pictures of the boys so that we can update our picture wall in the living room. I cannot wait to have Eyvan's picture join that wall... Time to go frame shopping!

All I want for Christmas is my two front (bottom) teeth!

7 years 5 months old and Dylan has finally lost a tooth! Not only 1, no - he lost 2 in the same day! The only loose teeth in his mouth and he has to pull them the same day! These two teeth have been loose since before school was out. So needless to say at this point we were no longer prepared for the Tooth Fairy to visit! We had truly started to think those teeth would need to push themselves out!
We were able to make the arrangements for Tooth Fairy's visit anyway!

The going rate around this neck of the woods is $1-$5 a tooth. We decided $3 for the first tooth and $2 for each tooth after that was good. Since He lost 2 in one day we figured he should get $3 for each. We have heard of a few kids getting a special extra gift with the first tooth so a set of Lego's seemed fitting for Mr. Dylan!
Our Tooth Fairy seems to pay for teeth in uncommon coins! Dylan got 3 gold dollars, 4 half dollars and 1 Susan B. Anthony dollar.
Dylan has always had an interest in unusual/uncommon things. He loves learning about them. So these seemed only fitting....

He spent this morning putting his Lego set together. 258 pieces put together in less than half an hour. But played with all day so far!! When we re-decorated the boys room J.D. built two new shelves for Dylan to be able to display his Lego sets when he puts them together. He can't wait until J.D. gets home from work just so Daddy can put the set up on his selves!

I sure do love this kid and seeing him "toof wus" is so cute, but makes me realize how fast he's growing up. He was my baby then I blinked....now he's my big (little) boy!

I'm so proud of who he's becoming though!

Getting back into routine!

In less than two weeks we will officially have a 2nd grader & a kindergartner! So hard to believe time has gone by so quickly!

This last weekend we went out to buy two new pairs of school shoes, and a bunch of school supplies. Because we've had no major recent growth spurts we didn't have a need for new clothes except for socks and undies, but shopping for those things was hard enough. Why can't the underwear companies just work together to make only one style for little boys?? I mean really - do 2 year olds need a choice between briefs, boxer briefs & boxers?? I've got 1 kid in each style(by their choice) and it's a pain in the tush (no pun intended) to find the correct style in the correct size, but we were able to succeed!

Dylan & Ryan are getting so excited to start school. Ryan has begun asking each night "Is tomorrow a school day?!?!" To which we reply no and tell him how many days are left. He is convinced he is going to have the same teacher that he had for Pre-K this year too. We've tried really hard to explain that each year he'll have a different teacher and that we are pretty sure he'll love the one he gets this year too! (We hope he does, since we told him that!)

We have started getting back on our "school time" night routine/bedtime, which has been VERY off this summer! We have been getting the boys back into routine of nightly baths which had gone to every couple of days since they can't go outside to even get dirty due to the heat, and an 8:30 bed time....we'll just say we're still working out all the kinks! (The boys are GREAT at going to bed when asked, it's us getting everything done in a timely matter to get them into bed that is the problem!)

"Mommy school" ended up going a bit differently than I had originally planned this summer. We were going to be doing a State a day - learning things about each one, but that was quickly postponed due to me not feeling well so we went to the "mommy-made" worksheets. Dylan has been working on reading, writing, addition/subtraction/multiplication, and spelling. Ryan has been working on sight words, addition/subtraction, writing skills, letter sounds, and sequencing/patterns. We started "homework" notebooks last night so papers are easier to keep up with and works somewhat like the store bought workbooks only "mommy-made" with things they are ready to learn. They are loving them so far. Actually Dylan can't get enough of it. He actually woke-up today begging to start working on his....sometimes I have to ask myself if I'm sure he's really mine! (I was sooooooo not that into school work when little. Of course I don't remember doing anyone working on it with me at his age so maybe that's the difference.)

I'm already getting sad that they are heading back to school. I miss them when they are gone and love having them home. They have been such a blast this summer! They've also become very helpful with housework and helping take care of Aydan - who doesn't feel he needs to be taken care of because he's a "big boy!".

Aydan this summer has fully potty trained and of course I'm loving it! This is the first time in over 7 years that I've had time off of diaper changings! I get full weekends off now! (As long as I don't have any daycare kids here.) He's also started fully dressing himself, making up his bed, brushing his teeth(mommy still helps a tiny bit), and even helping with chores (by choice!!). He's getting so big! Growing up way too fast!

It's been a WONDERFUL summer (minus a small portion that wasn't anywhere near wonderful). I'm really sad to see it go, but am looking forward to another school year of my children growing and learning! I can't wait to see what the future holds for them!

.....One Week....

...and somehow it passed me by. Somewhere I've missed a day in the past week because all week I've been dreading today, but today isn't Wednesday. I missed Wednesday! The weird thing is all day yesterday I was planning my regular things I do on Thursdays, but it never hit me that it was Wednesday. I even remembered Tuesday was over. Almost like I was trying to block it out, but I didn't do it on purpose!

Still...It's been one week since Eyvan returned to Heaven. It's been a little over 24 hours since I last cried, so I guess that means things are going better...right?
This morning I had to do the last(?) testing to make sure my body is back to "normal" though I don't think there's such a thing as "normal". Having a baby in Heaven isn't normal, trying to cope with it isn't normal, going to dr. appt.s to ensure your health after losing your child isn't normal.... So what is normal?

I'm still having to remind myself the baby is really gone. It doesn't seem real honestly. I've been so busy and so tired since last Wednesday that I truly don't think it has fully sank in. I mean the idea of everything I get, but the fact that it's real and forever I really don't think has sunk in... I keep thinking "when the baby gits here I have to...oh, wait...." The other day J.D. and I were out shopping for a couple of school clothes items for Dylan & Ryan when we walked by the newborn clothes and I got excited for a second when I saw an outfit that would make a wonderful coming home outfit for baby. Then it hit me that we don't need one of those. We are SUPPOSED to NEED one of those!!! I want to NEED one of those.
Ok, lets start that no cry count-up over....

So anyways I had to go in for blood work this morning. They want to test my HCG levels to ensure they are back to "normal". (again with that word that truly has no meaning!)
Every time I think it's finally time for me to stop having it shoved in my face it is again. Like here lets do more tests just to prove and re-prove it's really over because what we've put you through already just isn't enough!

I think a lot of people think I'm nuts for getting so upset over something like this because we weren't very far along. But it didn't live inside them, it lived in me! I had already begun to bond with this coming child. I had already started praying for this child...my child...my baby! Then all of a sudden this precious baby is gone. I never got to feel it kick, or hear it's heart beat(oh how I wish I had called to make an appt. sooner. If I had just called a week earlier they could have gotten me in & maybe I could have heard it's heart beating, but because I was so "busy" with everything else I put it off). I never got to hold Eyvan, or give Eyvan a hug, kiss Eyvan's little cheeks. I somewhat feel robbed of these things. I keep asking my self if it would have been harder to loose the baby if I were farther along or if it had been still born, or passed after birth....I really don't think that would have been harder - I almost feel like being able to see the baby and have a funeral would have at least given closure. Here there is no closure - it's just gone.

I figure all of this will get easier though as the weeks go by, at least I hope it gets easier. The next few weeks are going to be so busy anyways that it should at least help keep my mind off of the sad parts. This weekend is tax free weekend so we are planning to go buy new school shoes for the boys, we have lots of home redecorating to do, and 2 weeks from tomorrow Dylan & Ryan have their first day of school!! I think they are getting excited! I'm anxious to see who their teachers are!

Well, time to get on with my THURSDAY! The only good thing about missing a day this week is it makes the week seem shorter and tomorrow is Friday! I'm very ready for Saturday!

Eyvan

We have a really good friend Sean, who can draw like nobody's business... Well last Wed. night shortly after we had lost Eyvan I started thinking that I want to have Sean draw us a picture of Eyvan, but every time I thought about asking him to I'd get teary eye'd and worried he'd think I was nuts for asking. Well this morning he and his wife let me know they had a picture of Eyvan for us as soon as we were ready to see it! I told J.D. about it and found out he had been thinking about asking Sean to draw one as well! Is that not AWESOME! God knew we needed it! So Sean did it!

Here is the BEAUTIFUL picture of our precious sleeping angel!

I do ask that NO ONE copies this picture for ANY reason. Right now this is ours and we don't want it posted every where - only where we put it.

"My Angel Baby"

My Angel Baby
Written by my Sister-in-law Sandra - July 30, 2011

I have an angel baby
Who was with me a short while
I never got to hold you,
Hear your cry or see your smile.

God took my angel baby
To stay forever in His hands
I know He had His reasons
I'm still trying to understand.

My angel baby is always here
With me in my heart
But still it is so painful
To be physically apart.

I miss my angel baby
Sadness and heartache still remain
I don't think there will ever be
A way to cure this pain.

I love you, my angel baby,
I'll always miss you here with me
Yet I know when my time comes
Together we'll always be.

Rest well my angel baby
For in my heart you stay
And know that you are loved and missed
Every part of every day.

~Dedicated to everyone who has an angel baby.
Her baby became an angel on June 1, 2005 at 6 weeks.

Dreading Monday...

Last Wednesday I woke up knowing our world was changing in a very bad way. At around 9:30 I called my Dr. and left a message telling them what was going on. At 10:00 the nurse called back telling me she had set up an emergency ultrasound at the hospital for me at 11:00. I quickly called all the daycare parents to tell them I was closing early.
When we got there they took us into the little ultrasound room and got everything ready to start seeing what was going on.
Very quickly we could see that Eyvan was still there. We couldn't tell much because their equipment "is for diagnostic purposes only, not for in-depth looking". They said Eyvan was measuring 2 weeks smaller than we though our baby should be. I tried to tell myself this was okay because Ryan always measured really small too! Down inside I knew this couldn't be possible though. A week smaller? Maybe. Two weeks? Not possible!
We left with me trying to stay upbeat and think positive. I got home and crashed on the couch taking a 3 hour nap. (Much needed rest.) When I woke up I started googling pictures of ultrasound photos at the stage they said Eyvan was at. I was able to find so many that looked just like it! I went from very worried to pretty hopeful. My Dr.'s office called saying that since it was measuring smaller than expected they wanted me to come to the office next Thursday(Aug. 7th) for another ultrasound to try to get a better look at everything.
Around 5 o'clock I started having extremely bad abdominal pain that was quickly followed with a severe migraine. Shortly after 6:00p.m. Eyvan made the journey back to Heaven. I truly could have never imagined how emotionally & physically painful this process could be. After it was all finished though the physical pain left very rapidly(by 8pm).
The following day I just tried to stay very busy, which wasn't hard at all with as many things as we had to do. A ct scan for Grannie at 10:30, her sister picking her up at 1:00 to take her to an appointment in OKC, Summer reading Program Award Ceremony at 1:30 for the boys, then us heading to OKC to pick Grannie up and bring her home, then a Pampered Chef party with a friend & dinner. I had many sad moments throughout the day, but tried my hardest to just keep my mind off of it. I was thinking I would call the Dr.'s office on Friday and just cancel the appointment for next week.
Got up yesterday (Friday) and called to tell them what had happened and that I needed to cancel my appointment. They informed me that they would like me to still come in, but on Monday instead. They said it's best to have another ultrasound just to make sure everything has been taken care of so I don't end up with an infection of any kind. I hesitantly agreed knowing it was best, but not wanting to do it.
When we went in on Wednesday we were at least able to get a small glimpse of Eyvan. We knew Eyvan was still there. I don't want to go it on Monday. I don't want to see a blank screen. I know Eyvan is no longer there & I just don't want to have a visual of the emptiness.
I want to try so badly to move on from the painful part but that is so hard with the constant reminders. I feel like the process of grieving has to start all over on Monday.
When they did the other ultrasound I asked them to print out a picture of it. I know that she thought I was nuts, but I knew if I didn't ask and something happened I would regret not having it.

With each one of my kids I started a notebook for them as soon as we discovered they were coming. It was no different this time. I enjoy writing to them about things happening in our family & around the would. Something they can read someday. After they are born I add things about them - their firsts. It's been really hard to write in Eyvan's since Wednesday. My last entry in there was Wednesday night to say goodbye. I just can't open it back up. The idea of writing in it just doesn't have the same meaning. No one will ever read it - so what's the point? Plus Wednesday morning I had taped the ultrasound picture in there and wrote about it. The entry was so happy because Eyvan was still there. I don't want to look at that post. I don't want to see the happiness. I need to write though because I haven't even "told" Eyvan that we chose a name yet.

Please keep J.D. & I in your thoughts and prayers on Monday.It's going to be a very rough day....

We have an Angel...

When you discover you're expecting a new baby you immediately start thinking of all the items you need to get to prepare and how you are going to tell all of the special people in your life. For us we try thinking of the most creative yet special way we can tell our family. We are so excited to share the news of our upcoming arrival. The one thing you don't plan for is how to share the joyous yet sad news of that small baby going back to Heaven before you even get to share that it's coming. No one ever plans for their child to pass whether they are carrying it in their womb or its a grown adult. Children just aren't supposed to die...
You also don't think about how you would respond to the loss of that new upcoming arrival - because you don't want to think about that ever being a possibility.
So how do you tell friends and family once it's all over?? I guess like this...

On Wednesday July 27th 2011 our baby Eyvan Aolani returned to the loving arms of our Heavenly Father. We feel blessed to be Eyvan's parents if only for a short time here on earth. With our faith we are comforted in the fact that we will someday meet face to face.

(Those who are picking up the phone - please put it down and continue reading.)

We decided to give our child a name without knowing it's gender to allow our child to be "more of a person". We don't want it to be something we just get over or forget. We want Eyvan to be a part of our lives - a memory - our child, our little blessing from/in Heaven.

Both names are gender neutral because Angels don't need genders. :)
Eyvan (Evan) - "God is Good" - Of course we added the Y to the name so it fits along with the boys names. The AN ending was originally intended to only be the ending of names we would give to our boys, but this name seemed fitting for both a boy or girl.
Aolani (A-oh-lon-ee) - "Cloud from Heaven" or "Heavenly Cloud"

In the last 48 hours I have gone through every emotion possible. The first part of Wednesday it was mostly confusion just running off of adrenaline I guess. By Wed. night I was just sad - couldn't stop crying. Pretty much all day yesterday I was in some form of denial maybe...accepting that it had happened, but not allowing myself to feel it.
Today I think though has by far been the worst yet. I'm sad and angry. I'm angry because it's not fair. I'm angry because I don't understand why it happened. I'm angry because I wonder if it was something I did. Did I not eat the right things? Did I not get enough rest? Did I lift something that was too heavy? Did I move too quickly? Did I not take vitamins soon enough? Did I drink too much caffeine? Everyone tells you that you can't blame yourself, but why would your mind not go there first? You are the one meant to protect that baby, to help it grow and develop and when those things don't happen obviously that is the first thought. Then you have the people who tell you "that's just your body's way of removing an imperfect baby" - REALLY?!?! Are you kidding me?? Is that supposed to help me feel better about it? Am I just supposed to say "Thank God I'm not going to have a FREAK of a child!!"???? That DOESN'T HELP!!!! My baby is MY BABY whether imperfect or not. Honestly none of us are perfect....
Then there are the people who say "you can still try again!" Yeah because that was the FIRST thought that came to my mind! NOT!!! I can honestly say this whole thing makes me not ever want to "have" another one. At this moment I am a quitter. I have 3 PPIEW little boys - they are enough for me.

I have a select group of people I'm willing to really speak to about it. The ones who have been through it are in this group. I am willing to somewhat carry on conversations with some others about it, but not many yet. Anyone who is going to upset me more or cause me to cry I really don't want to talk to at all right now. I need my time to grieve in my own way.

"Why then are you posting it on your blog?" you might ask..... Because no matter what happened Eyvan is still our child & we want the world to know we have 4 children. We aren't going to hide that fact just because something bad happened. We are a family of 6 now, even if one isn't here physically with us. We wanted Aydan to have the opportunity to be a big brother - now he is. Not in the way we had pictured, but still a big brother! We want to be able to tell our children about our baby in Heaven without worrying they'll tell someone and we will start getting bombarded with the "why didn't you tell me!"'s
We don't want people to wonder what is going on every time we are having a rough day.
I personally don't want to make up excuses to why it looks like I've been crying, or why I'm not talkative. I just want to be....

I'm sad at the loss of my child, but at the same time feel blessed. Not everyone gets to be the Mommy of an Angel so I must have done something pretty special to deserve such a great title! I still wish I wasn't so deserving though....

Over time I'm sure it will become easier to cope with. For now though we want our space on the subject. No need to ask us how we are doing - the answer will always be the same.... As well as someone can do when they have lost their baby.

Vacation Day 3 - Yummy Crab! (July 4th 2011)

On day 3 we decided to find one of the local restaurants to try out. We chose a place to eat - Anglers, and when we arrived the parking lot was so full we couldn't park. We drove into the next parking lot found a spot to park, but then decided to just go the the place that own the lot we were in - The Crab Trap. Turns out this was an AWESOME choice! The food was awesome & the view was great too! Right on the beach! The kids had a blast trying new foods as well as Mommy & Daddy! (Maybe someday we'll get a chance to try Anglers!)

The first thing we had was Broiled Crab Claws, these were wonderful! The kids LOVED them meaning Mommy didn't get too many because I was too busy dishing them out, but that's okay! :)
This place was also great because they gave buckets & shovels with the kids meals! I was impressed! So much better than any MD's toy!

Yummy Snow Crab Legs! They actually had these on the kids menu so we decided to get one order for all three to split along with a cheaper kids meal as well. The crab legs though were a HUGE hit! But once again this meant major work for Mommy! (Of course it meant I got to taste test them though!)

The other kids meal was a version of "Fish & Chips" really, but Aydan was all about it because he could dip it in ketchup!

Out in front of the restaurant they had this nifty picture spot. The boys were very curious about the "crashed" airplane, but were quick to point out that it could not have really crashed there because of the way the pieces were laying. I was proud of them for being able to pay close enough attention to the detail to figure it out!

This wasn't at the Crab Trap, but was one of my favorite things about our trip. The bridge into Destin led us to this scene a few times. This was an area where the water was just deep enough for boats but shallow enough for standing, and very calm. Boats would gather here all throughout the day just seeming to have one giant block party. They even had inflatable water slides & bounce houses out there! Someday I'd like to go back and make this area a stop on our to do list!